Tori, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I thought my worst nightmare was the Peekaru. I think I'll take that back and instead say that the thought of Tori Spelling as a 'bestselling author' is far more frightening. Nevertheless, NoTORIous Spelling's new book is called Mommywood and I've just read an excerpt and it ain't pretty. In what I think is supposed to be cute, funny sTORItelling about the trials and tribulations of being a celeb mum, is actually a self-indulgent, slightly appalling rant about having an ultrasound and thinking her baby's nose was too big in the 3D images:

"Inside my head I was screaming, Oh my God, does he have a huge nose? Just tell me! but I was having trouble asking it directly. I knew it was wrong to care, but I did. So I tried to put it as delicately as I could: “Does his nose look . . . normal?” The doctor nodded. “Of course, of course,” he muttered. Hmm. That still wasn’t really satisfying".

Thankfully, Tori's other half Dean called her on being shallow but Tori puts it down to having to live with unrealistic expectations as a Hollywood mum:

"Hollywood is a glittering, glamorous, superficial land of dreamers, wannabes, and stars. Mommywood takes place on the same set—the palm trees and eternal sunshine of Los Angeles."

Um no, Tor. You actually are just shallow and you are dumb enough to confirm it by putting it in print.

I love one readers review of the book on Amazon:

"What a rip-off. I wanted to know about kids, and all I learned about is that she loves to be photographed, have her kids photographed, sell images of her kids, be self-important, insult people and be in never-never land. The stuff about her mother is such old news. Pick up the phone, Tori. Call her. She shouldn't have to call your nanny. So much ego, so little substance. She said she wanted a "normal" family, and then parades her kids before the paparazzi to get attention for her tv show. Enough."

There you have it.